Confessions of a Computer Junkie

“I sit before this electronic window to the world
Wondering what the hell I'm doing here?
Smoke fills the room, encasing my brains
(God, I've got to quit someday)
Crickets call from through the open door to the verandah,
There is romantic starlight dancing on the cool October air
And breathable oxygen our there,
But I am tethered to this nineteen nineties damnation
By some invisible umbilicus wrapped around my neck
Like a neonate striving for breath at birth
I cleave to each breath, cringing at the unbearable brightness
Of the fiery star glaring in my squinty face.”
Twyla Turnbow Sorrells

Hello! My name is Blanka, and I am a computer junkie.

It all started, when I applied to University, branch of studies: Computer Science. Much to my mother’s dislike, I was accepted. During the first year of college, I wasn’t passionate about computers and didn’t show much interest towards the Internet either. In fact, I didn’t like browsing on the Internet or using computers. After a disastrous first year, flunked exams and low grades, I decided to take advantage of the opportunity that was given to me, and started studying harder, spending more time with my computer. The second year of university turned out to be quite successful, I actually ended up receiving a fellowship for my achievements. By the end of the third academic year, I fell in love with computers and developing software applications. Up to this point, all was going well. I enjoyed computers so much, that I decided to have a permanent Internet connection at home. This was the first episode in the chain of events, which led to my computer addiction.

To better understand my addiction to computers, you should first learn a bit more about me. Born in a culturally mixed family, my mother is Romanian and my father is Hungarian, in my childhood, I quickly developed an aptitude to better understand foreign languages and be part of two, very different societies. This was suitable up to the point, when it stopped being so. It stopped being pleasant, when I realized, that even though that I was part of two societies, I didn’t entirely belong to any of them. Because of the hatred between the two societies, entirely belonging to one culture would have meant to repudiate the other, and this was something I didn’t, and still don’t agree to. I started feeling like an outcast, and this feeling stayed with me throughout my life. A defense mechanism against this depressing feeling was to develop - sympathy towards lifeless “beings”.

During the two-year period when I was permanently connected to the Internet, I suffered two major depressions, I have spine warp, and my eyesight got way poorer – I wear glasses now. These are only the palpable consequences of my addiction. My social skills took a turn also, from bad to worse. I developed all sort of phobias: aphenphosmphobia - fear of being touched, fear of speaking, fear of failure, and so on. I enjoy loneliness; I spend my life in my room with my computer. I have no prospects for my life, other than growing old.

On the bright side, I am handy with a computer, I type fast, and my English knowledge is good, because English is the language of the Internet.

Currently I work at a small firm, in my native town, specialized in software development. After the eight-hour work schedule, I come home exhausted and can only focus on relaxing in front of the computer. I spend an average of twelve hours a day in front of the computer.

Today… today was a good day. Currently I work at a small firm specialized in software development. After the eight-hour work schedule, I come home to my computer.